January.

I hate restarting.

January?

The month is dumb. It is fraudulent. It does not cleanse itself. - Anne Sexton

Dear Diary,

It’s January.

On January 1st, I promised myself that I would finally do better. I’d go outside more, even just to walk. I’d stop ghosting people and keep up with therapy. Three things that in theory should be manageable, but today, January 31st, here I am pacing around my room listening to Radiohead, unable to text anyone back and seriously considering shaving all my hair off and becoming a hippie.

I’ve always wanted to be the “New Year, new me” type of person. The new year is presented as the perfect time to change, and I love the idea of transforming into a better me. It's fun to imagine myself being different, being stable is the ultimate goal.

But somewhere between the skincare that costs a fortune and depression kicking my ass every day, a new me doesn't easily appear. Changing for the better is good yes! But January has my head spinning with 10,000 steps a day, clean eating, skincare routines, showering by this time to get to bed by that time, no don’t eat that, 12-3-30 on the treadmill for a smaller waist, should I go on a cut? you can’t have that, that's too much sugar, I need to quit smoking, it’s not good to say that, WAKE UP! GO TO BED! omg you're fat, I'm getting old, should I bulk?, I was supposed to stop doing that, i’m tired, I should get back into reading, why did I say that??? IM FAILING OMG, start again its fine, no I should cut myself, IM SO UGLY WHY ME, I need therapy, i might aswell give up. Don't say that, Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. STOP.

I fucking hate January.