Eating disorder? Nah I'm eating dis order!!!
…then regretting it and starving myself.
Dear diary, I binged again.
I don't think I remember a time in my life when I wasn't binging, starving and self-conscious. For years I have wanted to be something I am not, look the way I cannot and in the process of forcing myself into a mould I know deep down I am not made for, I have repeatedly ruined myself.
I always strive to be better than I truly am, to look better, to do more, to be more.
Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to look like the girls in my classes, I wanted to be skinny and perfect. I was already fucking skinny, but not the skinny my brain convinced me I should be. I have tied my self-worth to how skinny I am for a ridiculous amount of time. I'm 20 now and what started at 14 has been haunting me ever since.
I've always felt too boxy, too wide, too fat and too flat, my face is awfully round and my jawline makes me look masculine. I hate my shoulders and don't get me started on my side profile. Nothing about me is pretty, nothing about me makes me happy. It may seem strange but I don't want to be perfect, I don't care for everyone to tell me I'm beautiful. I just want to feel it, no matter how much I try, I simply cannot feel it.
I starve for days then I eat everything in sight. I can't control myself in those moments, it's as if something comes over me, I've cried many times eating. Sobbing because my body gave in again, Why does it always give in? Why can't I have that control everyone else does!? Why must I eat and eat and eat, then starve and starve and starve. Why must it be a loop? a never-ending one at that. I like to think of this as a “skills issue” and ignore my continuous fails at eating a normal amount of food. But it’s hard to ignore when food is all you end up thinking about most days. Mostly how to avoid eating without family catching on again, but my weight loss is always so noticeable to my mother.
I always eat too little or too much and I'm so fucking tired of it. I'm tired of always dreading the day as soon as I open my eyes, avoiding the mirror, not wanting to see the pictures taken of me. “What will I eat today” “how many calories is in this” my brain never shuts up about the stupid calories.
I’m always punishing my body for being the way it naturally is but I can't stop. Sometimes it feels like I’m punishing younger me, I’m forcing her to be someone she never asked to be. But it's a part of womanhood, right?
I will eventually learn to live with this right? At least that's what I see around me, in media too. Every woman at some point hating something about themselves, its apart of the cycle I assume. Maybe when my body is the way I want it to be or I get more therapy, or I magically wake up loving myself this will all stop.
Maybe.
I am so young but I'm already so done with existing. Tired of breathing in and out, but I keep doing it, I keep trying to be positive about it all. I worry one day I will be older, maybe married maybe not, I’ll have everything I’ve ever dreamed of but I’ll be sobbing at night because I went over my calorie limit. That would be such a sad pathetic meaningless way to live.
Who knows, maybe there’s still hope for me, and as everyone i know has told me, maybe I am “just fine the way I am” and maybe I’m “not fat” and maybe I have a “healthy amount of belly fat” all I know is I’m hungry, not just for food but for some peace and for the Anorexia to end.
I want Ana to leave me alone, but it seems we have a lifelong friendship that I never consented to.
